one of the things i’ve learned in my short life so far is to be honest and REAL. pretty simple, but i’ve run into a few situations where that just didn’t happen – and i don’t know why. these are kind of silly examples – but two that popped into my mind recently.

1. pretty much all through middle school there was this guy named ryan. ok, honestly – i never liked him. i had no feelings whatsoever for him. there was no reason for me to like him. why? uh, i never even talked to the guy. but for some reason, my two best friends decided that i should like him, and pretty much beat it into my head that he was my crush and that we should ‘go out’. oh, middle school was awesome. it’s really funny now that i think about it. but instead of just sticking up for myself and being strong, i pretty much went along with it. maybe i helped build ryan’s ego a bit – why not have a dorky little asian girl who he’s never talked to like him? but it kinda makes me feel like a sucker. my friends, bless them, even went out of their way to get him to sign a birthday card for me. they got a bunch of my other friends to sign it, then realized – no! this should be from RYAN ONLY! – erased all my other friend’s signatures and left his. i actually still have that card. so hilarious. i want you to know ryan – i never liked you. :]

2. this one is more serious, but i still feel like a sucker about it cause – well – it pretty much hurts ME in the end. one of my friends and i kind of went separate ways during high school. one day, we decided to have a heart to heart on what happened, and it pretty much boiled down to jealousy and insecurity. typical girl stuff. i was thinner, i had more friends, blah blah. all that junk that really – i didn’t have – but insecurities just get the better of us sometimes. i had no idea what to say. i so wanted to make my friend feel better. deep down, even though we went down different paths, i still cared a lot for her. so before i could stop myself, i blurted “well, to tell you the truth, i’ve been struggling with anorexia.” i know this was really stupid, i had no idea what to say to her so maybe something that was troubling for me might make her feel better? and this is the catcher which pretty much proves this was completely useless. instead of asking if i needed help (if i really was anorexic – which don’t worry mom, i wasn’t and never have been :]) my friend replies after a slight pause “i kind of figured.” i really didn’t have anything else to say after that – we ended the conversation. but this has only made me feel like i not only failed her, but failed myself. how would putting yourself down possibly be the solution for making your friend (and better yet, yourself) happy? silly.

just something i was thinking about. i’m thankful to say there have been times when i know what’s been good and right – and have done it. but it doesn’t happen like that all the time. i may be more blunt and come off as rude now, but at least i don’t regret it. i want to tell it ‘how it is’ and not skip around the bush. i still screw it up a lot, but hopefully being conscious of it is half the battle.

it also makes me really appreciate the girl friends i have now. i love and appreciate them more than all my past friendships combined and multiplied. love you girls <3